-s.i.m.p.l.e l.o.v.e-

How I wish I could have a love which is simple….
I stop blogging for more than a year, it’s because here is not a place which I could freely express my feeling anymore. My gf read my blogs, and after reading, the only thing she felt is angry, but not trying to understand me more and be more caring to me. That’s why hiding it to myself is better to avoid unnecessary arguments.

It’s like a never ending argument which we quarrel for all small things. Why can’t it be simple, why can’t she accept me for who I am, and why I need to pretend to be someone I am not? I stay with her, but she never understands what I want before. I don’t need anything; all I want is her to be happy and safe. I feel very tired to live a life of being what she wanted me to be. I am tired of arguments.

She always say that what I said hurt her a lot. What will you feel when you know you’re another part keep telling others that you are not the right person? This is what hurt the most.

I really think that I should let go, but always, I can’t. I’m worry that she will suffer if I’m not by her side to take care of her. I need to train her to be more independent…

Sorry that I love you….

-G.o.o.d B.y.e-

Argh, quarrel again….and the reason this time is, her exam is coming and I rush her to study after she wake up. Time is not enough already as in another 2 days time we will be going Phuket. And if she fail again, she will face a lot trouble this time. I do not want to be culprit that causes her to fail the exam. She spends too much time on me and neglected her studies and end up getting lecture by her family. I do not want to get blamed for all these, and I do not want to see her in trouble as well. Because everytime when she’s in trouble, I’m in dilemma too. Sometimes I feel very useless when I couldn’t help at all. I see her eating her breakfast and I ask, faster go study, if you cannot finish study then we have to cancel the phuket trip. And there she goes, angry me for not understanding her. She studied till very late(2am, and that’s the normal time that she sleep) and she wake up at 12pm. And it’s not any day but last 2 days to study for her exam. So what you think I need to do? Sit there and chat with her? And then regret later when she cannot finish studying and still need to go Phuket? This is what a bad boyfriend will do, just play with the girlfriend and make her neglected her studies. I rather she hates me now than to hate me later, as long as she won’t regret it next time.

Some people tell me, hey, you treat your girlfriend too good, don’t spoil her. But I think that treating girlfriend good is a must. And some people tell me, hey, I can feel that your girlfriend love you very much. I don’t need people to know that I treated you good, I don’t need people to know you love me very much, I don’t need you to buy things for me during valentine, birthday nor anniversary, I don’t need all these from you, I just need one thing, which is, understanding. Quarrel should not and must not be a way to show that I care for you, nor a way to show that I’m wrong. Every human did a mistake, I did a lot of mistakes myself too. I may not talk nicely to you, may not always smile infront you, may not talking things that you wanted to listen. Please bear in mind that what I do is always something which I think is good for you, so do not be angry with me when I’m trying to do something for you(even if it doesn’t help).

Now that you ask me to disappear from your life, I have nothing else to say.

Good bye.
I’m really tired of be the one who always initiate to apologize when in quarrel. I have my own pride and I have my own limit. Why can’t you just do it once when we’re quarreling? And when I’m initiating it, why can’t you just forgive me and not overdo it? Have you ever think of my feeling when you’re scolding me like dog and I have to accept everything that you said? Everytime when I coax actually my heart is very pain, I was thinking, why can’t my girlfriend be caring and understanding? I know what will your response be when you are reading this, but this is really from my heart….
我永远怀念你
温柔的情 怀念你
热红的心 怀念你
甜蜜的吻 怀念你
那醉人的歌声
怎能忘记这段情
我的爱 再见
不知哪日再相见
我的爱 我相信
总有一天能再见

女.人.不.该.让.男.人.太.累

我找不到天堂也摘不到月亮
对不起让你失望
你的渴望对我是很难
太多人比我强也承认我平凡
我已经拼命追赶
你的眼神请别那么冷淡
就算再付出我都撑得住
我不怕辛苦苦到什么地步
只要你满足但你何时满足
爱的好累真的好苦
女人不该让男人太累
虽然你是我的一切
也别让我感觉爱你很可悲
爱的好累真的好苦
从来听不见你一句赞美
从来听不见你一句安慰
就算我作的都白费
至少自尊让我保留一点
爱的好累真的好苦
我不怕辛苦可是怎样你才满足
爱的好累

-s.o.m.e.w.h.e.r.e i.t (m.y h.e.a.r.t) b.e.l.o.n.g-

A lot of things happening, having my own things to bother with, at the same time, need to settle issues for love one. I feel so damn tired. Two most important women around me are trying to get everything out of me, but how much could I give? I can never satisfy both sides.

Before going to Japan, we actually quarreled, and was separated for about 6 days. Frankly speaking, I wasn’t having good time in Japan as I am upset why we quarreled before I leave, why can’t let me have a good trip. I was sad during the whole trip, and totally no contact with her. These 6 days is like 6 weeks for me.

After back from Japan, I purposely don’t want to call her and let her find me first instead. And end up, quarrel again. From that time onward, my heart is tearing into pieces and piece by piece went missing after each argument. I don’t know how many pieces left and I don’t know when my heart will be dying.

I am a person that cannot provide good solution for other people’s scenario, the best that I can do is just to analyze the situation with that person in the scenario. And the decision making is still on the person’s hand, what I can do is just to give pro and cons in every decision that the person made.

Perhaps I’m too lengthy in my explanation. Perhaps I shouldn’t answer or give my own opinion but to tell what the person expecting me to tell. And this would at least minimize the chances of quarrel. I really don’t like quarrel as good time will pass, and will miss a lot of opportunities. I really hope that one day; I will talk less about my opinion and to say what people wanted to listen only.

-m.y h.e.a.r.t, m.y l.o.v.e, a.n.d p.e.r.h.a.p.s-

You’ve always been a very special person in my life, never expect we could be so close when we first met. We’re sweet and loving for the past half year, but now, problems seems to come when both of us start pointing out our own weaknesses. I’m a person that feels very insecure when my girl friend is very pretty and having a lot of admirers, this is because I’m having very low confidence in myself. That’s why I always say or do something to make her angry, and if she’s angry, this mean that she still care for me, this is the only way I can feel the love sometimes. Perhaps what I’m doing aren’t supposed to be done.

I also admit I’m a lousy boyfriend, I couldn’t give her Chanel, LV, Gucci and Prada, I couldn’t make her smile everyday, I couldn’t bring her travel around the world, I couldn’t make her proud, I couldn’t make her say that she’s the happiest women on earth. There’s so many better option for her out there who can give her all this, and this make me feel even worse, even more useless.

I can feel that there’s a gap between us, you’re too afraid to voice out what u really want, until sometimes I think you’re afraid of me. I feel really bad for being a scary person, and I’m very disappointed with myself. Now, I can feel that the love that you had for me is lesser and lesser each day. One thing that hasn’t change is my love for you. I still love you with all my heart. I will cherish you every now and then. You don’t seem like you have anything to talk to me, just reply me a word or two. I really don’t know what’s in your mind now; I do not know whether you’re angry? You need my comfort? Or you don’t love me anymore.

I’m worried now. I don’t know whether I am your Mr. Right or not anymore. The things you want are so different from me, even though I’m trying to change, but sometimes it’s never enough. My attitude needs a very long time to change. My heart are closing in, I don’t know how long it can last. Perhaps, my destiny is to be alone. Things that did not belong to you cannot be hold for long. There’ll be a day, when tears doesn’t mean anything to you anymore. And that will be the day, you last see me.

-P.a.i.n-

Sometimes I really angry for being lazy, why would I be lazy to reply GF’s comment, why I just reply a “don’t know” and just make her sad and feel bad.

My heart, is hurt again. Not because of she said something to hurt me, but, she say something to hurt herself, and this hurts me more than anything that she say to hurt me.

Argghh, I feel so helpless now….what can I do!!!!
Guess it would be a sleepless night for me. Just hope that tomorrow won’t be a hard day working with boss

-M.i.s.s.i.n.g h.e.r-

Since 11th February, I am with her everyday until she goes back on 28th. We do almost everything together, watching her smile when I tease her, laugh when I do something stupid, angry when I did something wrong, cry when I didn’t comfort her, watching her study, and sharing her happy experience. After she went back for exam, I feel that something really missing in my life. No mood in doing anything since then, can’t really sleep, can’t really watch drama, I can’t really think. When I see her online, I wanted to talk to her so much, but, worry that I will disturb her study and she couldn’t finish studying, I choose to be silent. Separating few days is just like separating for weeks.

When I am alone, keep thinking that what I should do when I go Singapore, Lab or sales, Lab or sales. I decided to choose lab, as working as sales really very tired. What worries me the most is that what will my life be when this love fades, when one day she don’t love me anymore. A lot of what if come across my mind, really cherish her with whole of my life and really hope that this love would last forever.

Bad temper is one of my weaknesses, really need to change it. Starting this 2010, I’ve been very unlucky; perhaps God is asking me to slow down, be more aware of the surroundings, try to care the feelings of other people. I admit that the way that I talk to my parent is really not that good but I will try to change, they’ve been very patience with me. I really hope that I’m not lazy when comes to entertaining people, because just a couple of minutes will brighten up people’s life.

-i.n.s.e.c.u.r.e.-

As what I know about myself, if you are the one for me, then you will have everything from me, and vice versa.

After doing so much things, received a worst comment “ You never do anything for me “. And it really hurts. Words hurt more than any other things does, just a simple word can make you feel miserable for the whole day. Sometimes, the words may not mean anything to you, but, it has the ability to break something- the heart. The next time you are tempted to say something hurtful to someone just because you’re angry, you might want to stop and remember this story. I still remember this story, and it goes like this,

There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.

The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.
Finally the day came when the boy didn’t lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.

The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, “You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won’t matter how many times you say I’m sorry, the wound is still there.”

The little boy then understood how powerful his words were. He looked up at his father and said “I hope you can forgive me father for the holes I put in you.”
“Of course I can,” said the father.

I’m very agree with this story, there’s no such thing as “I’m sorry and I would like to take back my words”. Come’ on, it’s already goes into the ear and printed in the brain, no way you can take it back. People might forgive you but the heart is already like the fence, full of holes. If you still keep adding nails to the heart, the heart will one day, be broken. Everything will be too late, you will lose something.

I just received a sms which says like this. “ I hate you, don’t blame me if I do anything wrong”. What’s this? A threat? This short sentence really make me think a lot, and made me afraid as well. Never expect this short sentence can make me feel so insecure, and feel like giving up. Sometimes, in love, what is needed the most, which is the base or foundation of LOVE is, trust.

Trust is needed to make everything works, trust will give the basic thing that slowly build part of the relation, security. Why nowadays so many couples betray each other? It’s because that they don’t feel secure enough with the current one and tend to find a backup just in case anything happen. People just doesn’t want to hurt too deep. And the backup is like a 2nd runner up, even you can’t be the winner, you still have a 2nd runner up. And this sentence also starts all this. And it also means that if happen that she find a backup, then I can’t blame her? I make all of these happened. This is what the sentence mean exactly.

At this very moment, I felt very insecure. Doesn’t know that whether meeting the parents is the right choice to make or not? And wondering everything I do for her is it worth or not? Will I be stupid just like I did before? So many questions arise from this short sentence. Arghhhhh, just hope that I can get rid of this as soon as possible.